The Outtakes of Haruhi Suzumiya
by andyjay18
Summary: Or, Groping in Oblivion. A redux of our favorite scene of the series.


"_And it sticks like a broken record_

_Everything sticks like a broken record_

_Everything sticks until it goes away."_

-They Might Be Giants, "Ana Ng"

Konata desperately tried to move her limbs and climb to her feet, but her entire body was filled with pins and needles. Her limbs seemed to be weighted to the ground with barbells. It had taken nearly all her strength just to move her head from slumped on her right cheek to fully on its back, just so she would no longer be able to see Kagami's severed head staring back at her, an expression of utmost terror permanently etched onto her features.

Tsukasa stood in front of her prone form, spattered with congealing blood and wearing a wicked sneer. Her left eyelids twitched. In her left hand a huge, blood-drenched knife was slung over her shoulder like a fishing rod. A gibbering giggle slipped through her clenched teeth, which would once have melted ice but would now freeze the world's oceans.

Konata, still partially paralyzed from the poisoned strawberry shortcake, could just barely choke out the words. Her chest felt like someone was sitting on it. "It…makes…sense now. One twin…is a…tsundere…so the…other…would be a…yandere…"

"_Was_, my dear Kona-chan," answered Tsukasa. "Past tense. Onee-chan _was_ a tsundere." She paused to lick her sister's blood off the knife blade. "You see, last night she told me she had an…interesting dream about you." She quickly thrust the knife blade toward Konata, the tip just half a meter from Konata's nose. "But only _I_ am entitled to Onee-chan. So I had to teach her a little…lesson in _fidelity_."

Konata quickly put two and two together. "So you…had a…siscon…for Kagamin," gasped Konata, cold beads of sweat rising on her brow, "and you…went and…_killed her_? No wonder…tsunderes…always beat…yanderes…in SaiMoe…" With all the many useful facts she had learned from anime and manga through her life, how could she have missed Tsukasa's signs? It was always the quiet ones…

Tsukasa advanced and stood astride Konata. The small otaku tried again to move her limbs and trip Tsukasa, but could barely even twitch. "It's a very _important_ lesson," continued Tsukasa. "And since I know you've had similar naughty thoughts, it's a lesson you must learn as well, you dirty birdy you." Her eyes narrowed as a thin, toothy sneer spread from ear to ear. "But don't worry. In just a moment, you and Onee-chan will be together forever…_in Hell_."

The point of the knife was now just touching Konata's throat. Tears seeped out as she clenched her eyes shut. "P-p-please…Tsuka-chan," she pleaded. "I've…learned my… lesson."

Tsukasa's giggle turned into a witch's cackle. "Oh no you haven't. I'm your teacher; I decide when school's out. And now here's your lesson." She gripped the knife blade with both hands and positioned the blade directly over Konata's throat.

"N-n-n-noooo!"

"Yesssss!" The ugly sneer disappeared, replaced by her normal adorable smile. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is a work of fanfiction. The author does not own either the characters of _Lucky Star_ or the _Haruhi Suzumiya _franchise."

Konata's eyes rolled back in her head as she passed out again.

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya –TV Animated Series

Episode 3, Scene 5

Scene: Computer Room

_Door bursts open. HARUHI appears in doorway, with MIKURU and KYON behind._

Haruhi: Hellllo there! (_Side shot of HARUHI walking across room with MIKURU in tow._) We're here to take care of one computer and its peripherals! Who's the leader here? (_They arrive at COMPUTER SOCIETY LEADER's desk._)

Leader: Do you need anything?

Haruhi: There's only reason I would come in person to the Computer Research Society. I only need one, so give me a computer.

Leader (_Sternly)_: What are you talking about?

Haruhi: One can't hurt! You've got so many!

Leader (_Indignant_): Now hold on, look here! Who are you people?

Haruhi: The SOS Brigade Chief, Haruhi Suzumiya. These two are Subordinates No. 1 (_J/C to MIKURU, who flinches nervously_) and No. 2 (_J/C to KYON, in doorway_). There you have it. Now stop grumbling and hand one over.

Leader (_Angry_): Now why the hell should I?! That's not gonna happen!

_HARUHI leans in over the LEADER and smiles coyly._

Haruhi: Hmmm? I see. (_Tosses head._) Well, I have my own ideas about that.

_She grabs the LEADER's right hand, holds it up, and giggles. She then thrusts hand onto MIKURU's left breast. C/U of hand on MIKURU's breast._

_J/C to KYON, shocked._

Kyon (thinking): What the…?

"Why you…!" gasped Mikuru, slapping the club leader across the face. "Asshole!"

"Cuuuut!" announced the director. "Okay Asahina-san, I dunno how many times you've been over the script, but you're supposed to scream when he touches you, not slap him!"

"Gah, I know," she muttered. "But, well, some douche groped me on the subway this morning, so I'm still a bit edgy right now."

"Hey, I'm not an acting coach," the director answered, rolling his eyes, "but right now you gotta put all that shit aside and just pretend you're a moe-moe schoolgirl. The play's the thing and all that jazz. Great job by the way, Suzumiya-sama."

"Oh, she gets a 'sama' and _I_ just get a 'san'?" huffed Mikuru.

"Well, maybe _you_ should try being God sometime," answered Haruhi, wearing the same snarky smile she had used on the Computer Society Leader.

Mikuru cast a poisonous glare. "I think maybe that armband is cutting off the blood supply to your brain."

"Hey, at least I got something up there," Haruhi shot back, pointing to her head. "Otherwise I would need a chest like that to counterbalance the lack of weight in your head." She poked right into Mikuru's cleavage.

"Do that again, and you'll be doing trying it with a prosthetic the next time. By the way, wouldn't a counterbalance…there be more necessary if you have _more_ up here?" Mikuru snapped, pointing to her head. "Oh, and if _you'd_ read the fucking light novels, you'd know _I _play a bigger role than you later on."

"Pssh, yeah, but who knows when the hell we'll be filming _those_?" Haruhi replied, rolling her eyes.

Kyon sighed as the two divas continued bickering, and walked toward the green room to get a needed drink. His friend Taniguchi stood outside the doorway, whistling a strange yet catchy tune. "Say," he asked, pausing. "What's that tune called?"

"I forget, actually," Taniguchi replied. "Can't even remember where I first heard it, but now it's stuck in my head. That ever happen to you?"

Kyon smirked. "Working with God, Joan Crawford, and the Man of a Thousand Takes out there, I'm surprised I can still hear my own thoughts."

"Hey, at least you're part of the Brigade, man. People will just be remembering me as that pervert in the ballfield stands who may have dated Haruhi-san for a week. You know, one of Those Two Guys."

"Well, maybe you'll get into an Internet meme or something," Kyon replied. Inside the green room, seated on the sofa, was Yuki, intently gazing at her laptop. "Hey there, Nagato-san. Rehearsing for the apartment scene? Or did we already shoot that? Sometimes I get these things mixed up…"

Yuki quickly raised a hand. "Don't talk to me right now," she told him. "I haven't played this storyline yet."

Curious, Kyon moved to the side of the couch to get a look at her laptop screen.

He gasped and recoiled slightly when he saw an image of a scantly clad loli schoolgirl blowing a kiss and smiling.

_Nagato-san's into…dating sims_, he thought.

_All this time I thought I had known Nagato-san. I suppose I should've questioned my assumptions, since we all have facets of our personalities that we keep to ourselves, and I should've tried to avoid assuming _anything_ about someone as…enigmatic as her, but still. I discovered there was still much about her that I didn't know, and perhaps I should try harder to understand her, and Suzumiya, and Asahina, and…_

_To everything, turn, turn, turn…_

_There is a season, turn, turn, turn…_

"Hey, put on some headphones!" Kyon shouted. "You made me lose my train of thought!"

"Sorry," answered the janitor, muting the music.

"All right, let's get back on the set!" announced the director. Kyon quickly gulped down his water and rushed out of the green room.

"See you at the cinematographer's party!" said Taniguchi.

"Meh, I dunno if I want to go," answered Kyon.

"C'mon, who are you to blow against the wind?" But with the director calling him back, Kyon rushed off without an answer.

"So," said Kyon, back on the set, "did you two settle your differences?"

"Well, I dunno," answered Haruhi. "It all depends on whether Booberella here is willing to play her role."

"Hey, you aren't the one being groped throughout this series!" snapped Mikuru. "More often than not, _you're_ the one groping _me_."

"Aww, you know you like it," answered Haruhi with a wink.

"What does that say about you?" Mikuru asked with narrowed eyes and a small half-smile.

"I don't know, but I think it says the same about you," Haruhi replied, her smile reaching from ear to ear.

"So, umm…when're they gonna start making out?" asked the cameraman to the director.

"Just give 'em time, Moroboshi, just give 'em time," said the director. "But anyway…places, everybody! Let's get this show back on the road! And dammit, Mikuru, get it right this time!" Mikuru rolled her eyes. "Let's take it from just before Haruhi's 'hmmm'. Now…lights, camera, ACTION!"

_HARUHI leans in over the LEADER and smiles coyly._

Haruhi: Hmmm? I see. (_Tosses head._) Well, I have my own ideas about that.

_She grabs the LEADER's right hand, holds it up, and giggles. She then thrusts hand onto MIKURU's left breast. C/U of hand on MIKURU's breast._

_J/C to KYON, shocked._

Kyon (thinking): What the…?

"Eeeeeek!" Mikuru screamed.

"Cuuuut!" yelled the director. "Okay, Asahina-san, a little better this time. But…we're looking for something a bit more…ladylike. Something along the lines of a 'KYAAA' rather than an 'EEEK'. Your character may be a moeblob, but she's not a child."

"That wasn't the right _scream_?!" Mikuru huffed. "That's…that has _got_ to be the most _bullshit _complaint I've heard yet in this whole damn production!"

"Hey, hey, you were doing great then," said the director. "Like I said, I just think a lower-pitched scream might be more appropriate."

"Screw this!" she yelled. "I'm going to my dressing room!

"Hey, c'mon, Asahina-san! Like I said, all I need is a slightly lower pitch, and this whole damn scene will be in the can! Hey, c'mon, get back here, heyyy! Asahina-saaaan!!!" Mikuru continued walking off the set, not even looking back.

"Hey, Asahina-san," said Moroboshi the cameraman, as Mikuru walked by. "Will I see ya at the cinematographer's party?" He reached a hand out for her rear. "C'mon, who are you to run against the wind?"

Mikuru brusquely swatted his hand away. "Get bent."

"Aw, damn it all," groaned the director. "Will we ever get this scene done? Suzumiya-sama, get her out of her dressing room right now, and _maybe _we can finish this scene today. All right; computer club leader, Kyon, extras, cameramen, sound men, don't leave you places yet. Soon as Suzumiya drags Asahina back here, we're gonna pick up right where…"

"Catering!!" interrupted a rotund, balding blonde man, pushing a cart of entrees into the soundstage. "We got lunch ready!"

"All right!" shouted the cast and crew, jumping up from their places and rushing toward the tables in the center of the room.

"Hey, hey!!" exclaimed the director. "I didn't say anything about a lunch break! Get your asses back on the set or I'll…"

"Or you'll what?" answered Itsuki Koizumi, smiling his normal smug grin. "You may be the director, but you can't have a production without the actors and film crew. And if you try to replace any of us, the union will have a few words with you."

"Says you!" the director barked. "You're not even in this episode; what are _you_ doing here?"

Itsuki's smile widened slightly. "Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch? By the way, the caterer asked me to give you this." He presented the bill to the director, who then promptly facepalmed.

Tsuruya sniffed the air. "Mmm..." she breathed. "Sata andagi," she said in a strange, monotoned Osaka accent. "No smoked cheese…but still…sata andagi…"

"Hey, wanna come join us?" Kyon asked Haruhi.

"In a minute; I just wanna take care of something first," the brunette replied.

"Mikuru-chan?" called Haruhi through Mikuru's partially-closed door.

"Go away," Mikuru blurted, her voice choked and shaky. "As if it's not hard enough being groped all the time every shooting day…I have to put up w-with…you and that…jerkoff with the bullhorn…"

"Hey," said Haruhi, slipping inside and closing the door. "You know I'm just teasing…"

"Well, sometimes it gets to me just the same," Mikuru sobbed. "I-it all just reminds me…how I'm n-not the star, and how n-no one on the set takes me seriously…treats me like a dumb big-breasted m-moeblob who's only there to…serve tea and…g-get molested…"

Haruhi strode up behind Mikuru and clasped her arms around the redhead's trunk. "Hey, like you said earlier, I know you're gonna play a much bigger part later on. But even right now, I couldn't imagine the SOS Brigade without you. I may be the lead, but it's obviously not just about me. If it weren't, why would my character have formed a brigade in the first place? We're all parts of a whole, really." She nuzzled her head into the crook of Mikuru's right shoulder.

Mikuru smiled slightly. "Thank you," she replied in a small voice. "It's just, well, after what happened to me this morning…I can't do this. I-it's just too damn hard."

A half-smile appeared on Haruhi's face. She leaned in to whisper into Mikuru's ear. "Would you perhaps feel more comfortable if…it were my hand?"

"I think I might like that…"

"Okay, lunchtime is over, kids!" snapped the director. "No more breaks now until Asahina gets this thing over and done with, not even for the bathroom! Places, places everybody!" The cast and crew rushed back and forth across the computer room set to their respective posts, and the camera trained on a sly Haruhi, standing between a befuddled computer club leader and a scared-looking Mikuru.

"Lights!" announced the director. "Camera!"

"So will I see you at the cinematographer's party?" asked Taniguchi.

"Mmm, I dunno; I'll be coming and going that night," answered Kumikida.

"Knock it off, you two!" shouted the director. "Annnnd…ACTION!"

_HARUHI leans in over the LEADER and smiles coyly._

Haruhi: Hmmm? I see. (_Tosses head._) Well, I have my own ideas about that.

_She grabs the LEADER's right hand, holds it up, and giggles. She then thrusts hand onto MIKURU's left breast. C/U of hand on MIKURU's breast._

_J/C to KYON, shocked._

Kyon (thinking): What the…?

Haruhi had discussed her plan with the computer club leader beforehand, and all went as planned. She pulled his arm toward Mikuru's chest, stopping it just short of her breast. Then she slid her hand down his arm, and fully grasped Mikuru.

"Kyaaaaaa!!!" screamed Mikuru.

"Okay, Asahina-san!" gasped the director. "That was brilliant! Now we just need a closeup of you scre…"

But soon he and everyone else on the set could only gaze intently at the sight of Haruhi and Mikuru passionately kissing. The redhead let out a small squeal as Haruhi tightly squeezed her right breast, then began fondling the other. Mikuru reciprocated by pulling Haruhi even closer to her, then snaking a hand under her uniform top.

"Umm, is that camera still running, Moroboshi?" the director asked.

"Yeah," answered Moroboshi, small rivulets of blood coming from both of his nostrils. "You want me to turn it off?"

"Oh no, no," answered the director. "We should make a copy for the cinematographer's party."

"I assumed you'd say that," answered Moroboshi.

_Andyjay18: Ran ran ruuu, does that appeal to youuu? There were a lot of seiyuu (voice actor) jokes in this story, as well as references to Stephen King and even Paul Simon! Find them all and win a kiss from Mikuru-chan!_

_Mikuru: A fan kiss? What the hell?! That isn't in my contract! You're gonna hear from the union about this! And by the way, that's "_Asahina-san_" to you, jerk!_

_Andyjay18: Union, eh? That's nice. Y'ever read about the Hollywood Ten?_

_Mikuru: I'll be good._

_Andyjay18: That's more like it._


End file.
